There once was a boy who knew what he wanted,
A specimen among men, his body he flaunted.
He was a college running back, why wouldn’t he do that?
He thought he was the man on campus, he thought he was phat.
Once day he saw an awkward girl in the college newsroom at about 9:30.
He thought she was cute, just really (really) nerdy,
he spoke to her anyway, you know, somewhat flirty.
She was funny as heck, but really sarcastic.
We would grow to be friends and that would be pretty fantastic.
They started to have feelings for each other, what was he to do?
They were so inseparable while in college (man was I a fool).
I thought, “I know, I will act like I don’t love her, she won’t have a clue”.
And months later, he would leave, headed for Alaska (yup, what a tool).
They talked all the time, day and night.
They were both working people, sleep they had to fight.
It was a three-hour time difference, he was three hours ahead.
And it was before unlimited talk and text, “The struggle is real!” They said.
Then one day she called, she said, “I met somebody!
He is really nice and I rode on his Harley!”
“Oh hell no,” he thought, “this is all screwed up!
Damn. I do love her! I must tell her what’s up!”
He said, “You are my woman! Mine alone, I tell ya!”
(And if you believe I said that, I have bridge I could sell ya).
But, since that day, no doubt, I have been a very lucky fella.
She taught him a lot about being a man.
She had their first child, He would be her biggest fan.
A bald headed bundle, chubby no doubt.
She would be the girl that everyone would call Scout.
The first girl taught him that the world was about more than he.
He needed to learn that, and that was the key
to preparing him for someone, someone with lots of flair,
That somebody all of North Dakota would know as Sweet (my ass) Little Miss Claire.
The Second Girl would teach him patience, a really tough sell,
Because as Heather would put it, “She is stubborn as Hell!
She is just like you, David, except when she does it, she does it really well.”
(I think it is a trait that was best suited for males).
The next lesson he is receiving, you dare not miss,
It is the one he is getting from good ‘ol Oedipus.
He is a momma’s boy, and momma loves him.
Momma loves him so much, Daddy barely gets to come in.
So in the last 15 years, Heather has given me the life.
She puts up with a lot of shit, in fact, I am surprised I still have a wife.
She is always supportive and encourages me to pursue my goals,
And most of the time she keeps quiet, even when my plans have obvious holes.
I marvel at her strength, we all know it takes a strong person,
To put up with a personality like mine, (although under her breath, I know she is cursin’)
For these 15 years of awesomeness, I cannot thank you enough,
So please enjoy this poem, but first, (butt smack) make me a sandwich, hot stuff.
Happy Valentine’s Day