Father of the Year Moment #659: The Need For Speed

One of my fondest memories is when my dad brought home a remote control ‘57 Chevy (not one of those cheep ones with the cord attached that only turned left. No). That car could fit a GI Joe action figure inside.

Man was that thing fast!

It was only natural that my sons should have one, right?

Presenting my..er..my son’s first RC.

Tear. This is why I had sons.

10 Things I learned from taking my son to Monster Jam yesterday:

1. There are a shit ton of people that like Monster Trucks.

2. If you travel about a mile away from the venue, you can buy that $30 Hot Wheels Monster Truck for $10 (still overpriced).

3. Sitting in the nosebleed section is awesome, unless you have a kid who has to pee; Often.

4. Sitting in the nosebleed section is awesome if you love the smell of exhaust.

5. The employees selling food and souvenirs know what the hell they are doing. They walk especially slow and make eye contact with your kid. Assholes.

6. Don’t offer a cheaper alternative to concessions, such as a Happy Meal, unless you are ready to go. Now. Ten minutes into the show.

7. Noise. Canceling. Headsets (Thanks, Cindy).

8. There is an an actual technique to 2 wheel, donut, and freestyle.

8a. There is a such thing as 2 wheel, donut, and freestyle competition.

9. I am probably the only person in the building that pays someone else to change his oil and/or tires. Yes, I am a little jealous.

10. Monster trucks are as cool as they were when I was 5. Totally worth it.

Father of the year #201: Precious 💎

…that first time your daughter inadvertently smacks you in the junk and you go through these stages:

Shock – she #%+ing hit me!

Anger – she almost met God.

Pain – you try not to cry in front of her.

Remorse – as you rock back and forth and your stomach starts to ache.

Determination – not to slip out of consciousness.

Relief – and the realization that you actually called her unsavory names in your head.

3 Questions Heather has for the Creator for when she (God willing) gets to the Pearly Gates:

(Written at 39 weeks pregnant with baby #4)

1. You could have made the human gestational period any length of time. You’re God. But 40 weeks? I feel like that was overkill.

2. I get that women have a nesting instinct. However, would it be too much to ask to let some of that rub off on the men? I am plotting my husband’s death right now because he is ignoring an entire “honey-do” list in favor of playing some mid-life-crisis-throw-back video game. That brings me to

3. I appreciate that you have a sense of humor, but making David my soulmate? Not cool Big Man.

Ten things I learned today about my kids and the Super Nintendo Classic:

1. They are spoiled brats.

2. It is amazing they have friends. If I were their age, I would not be their friend.

3. “Dad! How do you play?!” Seriously! Mash buttons until you get it. How helpless can you get?

4. “This looks funny!” Yeah, well, it was made in 1991. By the way, you look funny!

5. “Dad! Something is wrong!” Yeah it says “press start”.

6. “This cord is too short.” Sit on the damn floor like normal children.

7. It is a two-player game; that just means we take turns playing.

8. It is a two-player game; get out of my space.

9. It is a two-player game; we are not on the same team, we are fighting each other.

10. His name is Yoshi; he is not a horse! No, I don’t know why a dinosaur is in the game!

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