So You Think My Daughter is Cute, Huh?

2012-06-01 14.42.35
The Girls.

Today, I sat in professional development seminar questioning 1) whether I had lost my sanity for commuting in a zero visability snow storm (yes), and/or 2) which was worse – the presentation, or the regurgitated cheese smell emitting from my son’s room after he puked in his bed at 3 a.m. (Side note: the seminar was probably the best that I had ever attended in my teaching career).

“I want you to look at a poem.”

Shit.

Yes, I went into it with a shitty attitude. But that attitude was soon gone when I read the title:

To the Boys Who May One Day Date My Daughter by Jesse Parent.

(you’re welcome)

I often wonder about the type of men that one or both my daughters are going to bring home. Yes, I do not wonder the women that my sons will bring home; mostly because they will have my wife to deal with (may God have mercy on those poor women’s souls).

Do you know how hard it is to be a father nowadays?! I don’t (I nor do I claim to?), but I do teach high school – which is why thinking about all the possible suitors that could dawn my doorstep scares the absolute shit out of me.

lemar5

So, what is my way of preparing for this inevitable stop on this rollercoaster fatherhood?I lift a lot of heavy weights.

Do I religiously lift heavy weights to fulfill a mid-life crisis? No.

Do I lift heavy weights because I have a sport or activity that requires me to stay fit? No.

Do I lift heavy weights to stay in shape? Well a little (I do. I like to eat).

But the main reason I lift heavy weights is to keep those boys away, dammit! Sure, those boys are only between the ages of 6 to 10, but I have to get a head start, don’t I?

 

 

Listen, nothing makes me feel better than having a boy say to my daughter, “Shit, your dad is huge!

In the end, I am slowly starting to realize that I truly have very little control over either of my daughters’ choices (my wife, female colleagues and female friends never let me forget – thanks for the stories of how you evaded each of your father’s cloud of protection, by the way, it makes everything so much better). But, at this point, I am willing to do anything. And if broad shoulders and vascular thighs are what keeps future suitors’ testosterone at bay, then I guess we will just call it a sacrifice for the greater good.

 

 

There is Always an Ulterior Motive (a throwback)

At the basketball game during halftime with the girls:

“Can I get a drink?”

“Can I?”

” Yes.”

Heather (frantically questioning my sanity ): David! Where are they going!

“To the water fountain. Cut the cord!”

5 minutes later:

Fellow spectator: “Uh, Heather…”

OH MY GOD, DAVID!

And there were the girls, standing in the middle of the court.

This is why we can’t go in public.

Father of the Year Moment #482: A Father With Many Layers:

At the Father/Daughter Dance this weekend, I taught my youngest daughter:

The Cupid Shuffle,

The Words to “Brown Eye Girl”,

The “Cotton Eye Joe” Dance, and

How to two step to a country song.

She was impressed,

then sickened,

then indifferent,

then mortified (she tried to run as far away from the dance floor as possible).

Oh, little girl. We are both going to give each other a run for our money!

 

All is Fair in Love & Sisterhood:

“Dad, I have something to tell you.”

“Yes, honey.”

“The Father/Daughter Dance tickets are on sale. I want you to take me.”

“Now why would I do that? The last time I took you two to the Father/Daughter dance, both of you walked in with me, spotted your friends and left me at the door. I had to pull you away from your friends and out of the photo booth in order to get you to dance with me!”

“…which was totally embarrassing, by the way.”

“Okay; proving my point. So, why would I take you?”

(Silence)

Best
My Girls

“Oh, come on! I promise I will dance with you – twice.”

(Oh please! Will you? I guess I should be glad she is willing to schedule me in.)

“You know what? Fine. We will go.”

(Pause)

“There is one thing, though…”

“Of course there is…”

“Well… (tries to spit it out) you can only take me; no one else!

“Really! Not your sister?”

“No!”

“Really.”

“This time, it is just me!”

(walks away)

2015-02-07 22.57.15
Growing like weeds.

So there I was, trying to figure out how to tell my first born that I made an agreement with her sister not to invite her:

“So, I am going to the Father/Daughter dance this year.”

(In her usual, pre-teen crappy attitude voice. FYI, I blame Nickelodeon and Disney) “O-kay?”

“Yup. (sheepishly) But, not with you. (Waits for explosion) Is that okay that I just take your sister?”

(Pause)

Yup.

(walks away)

Well, Shit. That was easy.

 

10 things the 5th Grade BBall Team (coaches included) learned from getting our asses handed to us at the tourney today:

1. No one cares how well you did in previous tournaments.

2. Quitting is never an option.

3. You can do 20 things right, but if you do one thing wrong, Coach is on your ass.

4. A loss does not make you a loser.

5. We can come back from a deep deficit you competing.

6. Never look at the scoreboard while playing unless a coach tells you to do so.

7. Fall 7, up 8.

8. Little things will win you a game. But, they will also lose one for you.

9. There are 0 participation trophies.

10. We have an awesomely competitive group of girls.

Father of the year moment #164: Too smart for her own good.

Talking to the girls about our trip this summer:

Heather: You know what? We are going to go in an airplane!

Afro1: Whoa!

Afro2: Can I give the ticket to the conductor?

Heather: The pilot.

Me: The stewardess.

A2: The conductor!

Me: The stewardess.

A2: Conductors can be anywhere!

D&H: What?

A2: A band! They can be on a train, and in a band…

D: Band?

A2: Yeah!

H: Symphony.

D: Oh.

Drink Please!

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