Father of the Year Moment #493 – Therapy Awaits

‪Oldest daughter, grossed out:‬

‪“Put a shirt on!”‬

‪(Bouncing my pecs) “Why should I? I look damn good for my age!”‬

‪“Okay, that is just weird”‬

‪“Pretty sure your friends’ moms don’t think so…”‬

‪“What!”‬

‪“That’s right! I am funny, good looking, and I rock the muscles; sorry, but I got it all. (Double bicep) I’m a hot dad…”

*shocked and mortified*

‪“Mom!”‬

Father of the Year Moment #49: Shopping For a Car Seat

Seat #1:

Positive – Comfortable

Negative – Buckles contain lead

Seat 2:

Positive – Ease of use

Negative – Too big to see out of the rear view mirror

Seat 3:

Positive – The “name your website/magazine/report” seal of approval

Negative – cannot remove belts or cushion. If your child pukes in the seat, good luck.

Seat 4:

Positive – Safest in all crash tests

Negative – Welts on the skin from an unknown source.

Seat 5:

Recalled

Seat 6:

Recalled

Seat 7:

$500.00 (no thanks)

So, buying a car seat is really about picking the best of the worst, right.

Reflection: Glad that’s Over! (2 years ago)

Top 10 reasons I fear for my life right now:

1. I am not pregnant.

2. I can sleep in whatever position I want.

3. I send my wife the weekly “Baby Center: Pregnancy this week” emails that I receive detailing the baby’s progress.

4. I coach football.

5. I breathe air.

6. When she is cooking and has a knife in her hand, I can feel her looking at me like, “Someday…:”

7. She takes my kids to their sporting events.

8. It is about that time in her pregnancy that I get hurt and need surgery.

9. Because we are due for a boy version of Claire.

10. Let’s face it, I am a Jackass.

Father of the Year Moment #99: I got 99 problems…

“Dad. What is a good number in Basketball?”

“23”

“No. Seriously?”

“23.”

“How about 2?”

“Yup, that’s fine.”

“Well, I picked 99!”

“Wait. Wha?!”

Are you shittin’ me?! 99?! What basketball coach lets a kid pick 99?! What is she — starting at left end now?!

Just imagine:

“Hey, who’s your daughter?”

“Number 99, The one who’s fouling the shit out of everyone.”

He did this on purpose. 😡

Father of the Year Moment #133: Gang Recruitment

As I am getting ready to do something with the girls to get them out of the house (they were getting on my damn nerves), when three girls from the neighborhood are walking towards me, “Can the girls come over to play,” asks one.

Wait, what! There aren’t classes that prepared me for that moment! I did not set this up…

I am starting to get an anxiety attack…

What if… (x3).

Shit! Is it already time to let go?

Anatomy of a Shit-Show

4:15: saw weatherman on television.

4:20: walked outside. Seems okay.

4:25: called wife and told her not to drive home. (did not listen).

4:30: thought, “maybe I should get the girls from daycare.” Walk outside. Not so good anymore.

4:32: get to end of street. Is that the siren?

4:34: pick girls up. More like, “get your asses in the car,”

4:36: almost make it to two streets when the traffic stops and the wind picks up 25 ft in front of the car. Can’t see past the wall of wind. Crap self.

4:38: hail on the car. middle of street u-turn. Not so funny anymore girls, is it?

4:40: reach daycare. Spending time with children. Check underwear; we’re good.

I questioned my residency today. If I were back in Alaska, the story would have ended a long time ago with – earthquake stops.

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