Father of the Year Moment #482: A Father With Many Layers:

At the Father/Daughter Dance this weekend, I taught my youngest daughter:

The Cupid Shuffle,

The Words to โ€œBrown Eye Girlโ€,

The โ€œCotton Eye Joeโ€ Dance, and

How to two step to a country song.

She was impressed,

then sickened,

then indifferent,

then mortified (she tried to run as far away from the dance floor as possible).

Oh, little girl. We are both going to give each other a run for our money!

 

Father of the year #201: Precious ๐Ÿ’Ž

…that first time your daughter inadvertently smacks you in the junk and you go through these stages:

Shock – she #%+ing hit me!

Anger – she almost met God.

Pain – you try not to cry in front of her.

Remorse – as you rock back and forth and your stomach starts to ache.

Determination – not to slip out of consciousness.

Relief – and the realization that you actually called her unsavory names in your head.

Father of the year moment #164: Too smart for her own good.

Talking to the girls about our trip this summer:

Heather: You know what? We are going to go in an airplane!

Afro1: Whoa!

Afro2: Can I give the ticket to the conductor?

Heather: The pilot.

Me: The stewardess.

A2: The conductor!

Me: The stewardess.

A2: Conductors can be anywhere!

D&H: What?

A2: A band! They can be on a train, and in a band…

D: Band?

A2: Yeah!

H: Symphony.

D: Oh.

Drink Please!

Father of the year moment #91:

Accomplishments vs. Realities of being a man (so far):

1. โ€œI am 18, I am a man.โ€ vs. receiving a selective service card and knowing what it actually means.

2. โ€œI have my own apartment, I am a man!โ€ vs. โ€œWhy the hell is the food bill so high? I just bought condiments!โ€

3. โ€œI married this woman, I am a man!โ€ vs. The wife: โ€œNo one gives a damn about your past accomplishments.โ€ โ€œYour decorating skills suck.โ€ โ€œYou smell.โ€ โ€œOh that looks nice — in the crawl space.โ€ Etc.

4. โ€œLook at my first born. It is only the best for her (him)!โ€ vs. โ€œ24 newborn diapers = $25.00 — 10 size-4 diapers = $25.00. How does that work?

5. โ€œI have a family, I am a man!โ€ vs. โ€œLife insurance? A will? You mean I am going to die at some point?โ€

6. โ€œMy kid is going to dominate at sports!โ€ vs. โ€œHow much for (pick a sport/activity/lesson)? My kid isnโ€™t even that good!โ€

7. โ€œI am going to work to support my family, I am a man!โ€ vs. Daycare bill. (Note: My children attend a very good daycare and I am not above a giving a plug — for a discount (unlikely)).

8. โ€œLook at this house! I have all of this play area for my child.โ€ vs. โ€œNow how in the hell do I fix that?โ€

8a. โ€œLook at this house! I have all of this play area for my child.โ€ vs. The wife :โ€œWhelp, we are pregnant with number 2, and we need a bigger house.โ€

9. โ€œLook at this paycheck! I have made so much money!โ€ vs. โ€œLook at this paystub! This canโ€™t be all of the money!โ€

I think Iโ€™ve just depressed myself.

Father of the Year Moment #126: 2 hands, 4 kids

How I got through the day with my sanity intact:

Step one: pick up neighborhood kids. It does not matter which kids; it may be random. Pick up as many that can legally fit in your car, or van, or SUV. Shit, contemplate renting a bus.

Step two: throw your infant in the back with random kids so you can drive around while they go sledding/skating/hockey playing in nearest park. You will get to know the neighborhood extremely well; may be a little too well. Say statements to yourself like, what in the Sam Hell were they thinking painting that house that color?

Step three: Drive around in circles so that your infant may sleep. Do you have to pee? Oh well, that’s called sacrifice. Am I wasting gas? A better question is, is my kid sleeping? Yes! We call that success.

Step four: Let your wife run errands and go shopping with just one kid; let her pick which kid. She will think it is Christmas all over again! You will redeem yourself for the shitty jewelry you picked out in past Christmases. Yes Heather, I know you did not like it.

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