Father of the Year Moment #126: 2 hands, 4 kids

How I got through the day with my sanity intact:

Step one: pick up neighborhood kids. It does not matter which kids; it may be random. Pick up as many that can legally fit in your car, or van, or SUV. Shit, contemplate renting a bus.

Step two: throw your infant in the back with random kids so you can drive around while they go sledding/skating/hockey playing in nearest park. You will get to know the neighborhood extremely well; may be a little too well. Say statements to yourself like, what in the Sam Hell were they thinking painting that house that color?

Step three: Drive around in circles so that your infant may sleep. Do you have to pee? Oh well, that’s called sacrifice. Am I wasting gas? A better question is, is my kid sleeping? Yes! We call that success.

Step four: Let your wife run errands and go shopping with just one kid; let her pick which kid. She will think it is Christmas all over again! You will redeem yourself for the shitty jewelry you picked out in past Christmases. Yes Heather, I know you did not like it.

God Bless the Teacher

– Dad.

– Yes.

– We are going to get the talk in school today.

(shit)

– Uh, okay.

– I think they are going to show a video from Youtube.

(shit)

– They are not going to show you a video from Youtube.

– Yes they are! Who does that?! Youtube! Really!

– They are not going to show you a video from Youtube. I am sure they have a lot of educational videos. (flashback to 5th grade, Mrs. Lower’s class, Mt. View Elementary).

– Well, that is what the 6th graders told us.

(Stupid 6th graders)

– Silence.

– Well the boys have to say penis 5 times without laughing.

(you’re shittin’ me, right)

– No, honey, they do not. (I mean seriously! I can’t do that at 37)!

– Yes they do!

– Let me guess, the 6th graders told you.

– Yup!

– Welp, look at that! The Baby is crying.

And I ran, I ran so far away.

#godblessthemteachers

Hello!

Hello,

I am Uffdablack (Where I got that name from, well, I guess you will have to figure that out for yourselves). I am married to an awesome woman who is the complete opposite of me in every single way possible – which is “fun”. I am currently balancing a marriage, kids, a career, a pursuit of my doctorate degree, coaching, and now, this blog (where do I find the time, you ask, I don’t sleep much anymore).

2017-10-27 22.07.16

What is so special about me? Absolutely nothing. I am just a washed up athlete trying to keep his foot out of his mouth and his head above water. So far, I am pretty successful at it. This is not going to be your ordinary blog. This is going to be an experience – mostly me making an ass out of myself. Have fun!2017-10-16 17.40.55

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