Father of the Year Moment #49: Shopping For a Car Seat

Seat #1:

Positive – Comfortable

Negative – Buckles contain lead

Seat 2:

Positive – Ease of use

Negative – Too big to see out of the rear view mirror

Seat 3:

Positive – The “name your website/magazine/report” seal of approval

Negative – cannot remove belts or cushion. If your child pukes in the seat, good luck.

Seat 4:

Positive – Safest in all crash tests

Negative – Welts on the skin from an unknown source.

Seat 5:

Recalled

Seat 6:

Recalled

Seat 7:

$500.00 (no thanks)

So, buying a car seat is really about picking the best of the worst, right.

Anatomy of a Shit-Show

4:15: saw weatherman on television.

4:20: walked outside. Seems okay.

4:25: called wife and told her not to drive home. (did not listen).

4:30: thought, “maybe I should get the girls from daycare.” Walk outside. Not so good anymore.

4:32: get to end of street. Is that the siren?

4:34: pick girls up. More like, “get your asses in the car,”

4:36: almost make it to two streets when the traffic stops and the wind picks up 25 ft in front of the car. Can’t see past the wall of wind. Crap self.

4:38: hail on the car. middle of street u-turn. Not so funny anymore girls, is it?

4:40: reach daycare. Spending time with children. Check underwear; we’re good.

I questioned my residency today. If I were back in Alaska, the story would have ended a long time ago with – earthquake stops.

Father of the Year Moment #264: The Classics are Always Better

*My eldest, thinking she is big shit after beating Super Mario Brothers Wii…

Me: Let’s see how great you are with the original Mario Brothers…

*Pandemonium ensues:

You have to go one at a time?

Wait, 3 lives and you start over?

I have to do all of that again?

Wait, you can’t go backwards?

What are the other powers (there are none)?

There is no ice power?

You can’t fly?

Why is he so blocky?

How’d you get in that secret area?

How do you know all this?

What the heck! Why did the mushroom go the other way?

I don’t like this.

Father of the Year Moment #584: Pop Quiz.

Name an appropriate time to yell, “Are you F#$@ing kidding me!?”

a) At a Super Bowl party after your favorite team drops a pass in the end zone.

b) Somebody rear-ends you coming out of your parking space at Walmart.

c) Missing the Powerball Jackpot by one digit.

d)Your child does a #2 30-seconds after a change.

e)At an elementary 3-on-3 tournament where most of the participants are under the age of 10.

Apparently, for one parent at the Local 3-on-3 tournament, the answer today was “E”. 🏀🤬🕊️🦏

#Keepitclassy #WTF #cantbethefirsttime #yourecool #hatersgonnahate

I love him, I swear I do (A disjointed, sleepless conversation)

5 a.m.:

Driving…Oedipus 2.0 won’t sleep…Did not sign up for this…Guess I will sleep when dead…no coffee…

People who say, “You are the one that decided to have four kids,” are the same people who will tell the officer that they, “did not decide to take a punch in the mouth.”

Life is full of choices, isn’t it?

So Peaceful…

I am so happy for him…

So, so, happy…

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