Father of the Year Moment #429: Money Tree

Breaking out the winter stuff when I suddenly turn into Rosie (Mom):

Seriously! You’ve got to be shittin’ me! How does this happen?! Why don’t I go to my money tree in the back yard and pick off $29.99. I would just love it if something could last 2 seasons! Is that too much to ask?!

Of course this conversation takes place in my head – because no one else cares.

Father of the Year Moment #204: “Oh, hi, honey…”

When mommy is away, daddy is in charge.

When daddy us in charge, daddy makes non-Newtonian fluid to impress his daughters.

When daddy makes non-Newtonian fluid, there is a mess.

When there is a mess, daddy cleans it up.

When daddy cleans it up, daddy isn’t thorough enough.

When daddy isn’t that thorough, mommy finds out.

When mommy finds out, the kids sell daddy out.

Don’t leave daddy with the kids.

Father of the Year Moment #556: Hard-Headed – What I learned from the School Ski Trip 🎿:

1. The bigger you are, the faster you go. The kids were graceful. Me, I looked like Clark Griswold after he waxed his sled. Skis in a V my ass.

2. Kids fear nothing. My daughter and her classmates went from, “I am not sure about this…” to “I am going to ski a Black Diamond!” They need an in-between hill; like, not bunny… but definitely not green. Like pink – pink sounds safe.

3. It has been 15 years since I skied. Maybe that is a streak that should keep going.

4. Why is there no alarm for when I’ve fallen and can’t get up! That commercial used to be funny. I am not laughing anymore!

5. Kikkan, your a badass to even put these shits on!

10 Things I learned from taking my son to Monster Jam yesterday:

1. There are a shit ton of people that like Monster Trucks.

2. If you travel about a mile away from the venue, you can buy that $30 Hot Wheels Monster Truck for $10 (still overpriced).

3. Sitting in the nosebleed section is awesome, unless you have a kid who has to pee; Often.

4. Sitting in the nosebleed section is awesome if you love the smell of exhaust.

5. The employees selling food and souvenirs know what the hell they are doing. They walk especially slow and make eye contact with your kid. Assholes.

6. Don’t offer a cheaper alternative to concessions, such as a Happy Meal, unless you are ready to go. Now. Ten minutes into the show.

7. Noise. Canceling. Headsets (Thanks, Cindy).

8. There is an an actual technique to 2 wheel, donut, and freestyle.

8a. There is a such thing as 2 wheel, donut, and freestyle competition.

9. I am probably the only person in the building that pays someone else to change his oil and/or tires. Yes, I am a little jealous.

10. Monster trucks are as cool as they were when I was 5. Totally worth it.

Father of the year #201: Precious 💎

…that first time your daughter inadvertently smacks you in the junk and you go through these stages:

Shock – she #%+ing hit me!

Anger – she almost met God.

Pain – you try not to cry in front of her.

Remorse – as you rock back and forth and your stomach starts to ache.

Determination – not to slip out of consciousness.

Relief – and the realization that you actually called her unsavory names in your head.

Ten things I learned today about my kids and the Super Nintendo Classic:

1. They are spoiled brats.

2. It is amazing they have friends. If I were their age, I would not be their friend.

3. “Dad! How do you play?!” Seriously! Mash buttons until you get it. How helpless can you get?

4. “This looks funny!” Yeah, well, it was made in 1991. By the way, you look funny!

5. “Dad! Something is wrong!” Yeah it says “press start”.

6. “This cord is too short.” Sit on the damn floor like normal children.

7. It is a two-player game; that just means we take turns playing.

8. It is a two-player game; get out of my space.

9. It is a two-player game; we are not on the same team, we are fighting each other.

10. His name is Yoshi; he is not a horse! No, I don’t know why a dinosaur is in the game!

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