Dramatic Prose

From Heather:

Afro Daughter #2 has misplaced her blanket.

I offered several suggestions and then started to ignore her rant in the name of “natural consequences” and “take care of your own crap.” My silence was not well received.

AD2: WHAT IF I TOLD YOU YOUR MOM DIED AND YOU COULDN’T EVEN GO TO THE FUNERAL!?!? THAT’S BASICALLY WHAT IT’S LIKE!

Father of the year moment #91:

Accomplishments vs. Realities of being a man (so far):

1. “I am 18, I am a man.” vs. receiving a selective service card and knowing what it actually means.

2. “I have my own apartment, I am a man!” vs. “Why the hell is the food bill so high? I just bought condiments!”

3. “I married this woman, I am a man!” vs. The wife: “No one gives a damn about your past accomplishments.” “Your decorating skills suck.” “You smell.” “Oh that looks nice — in the crawl space.” Etc.

4. “Look at my first born. It is only the best for her (him)!” vs. “24 newborn diapers = $25.00 — 10 size-4 diapers = $25.00. How does that work?

5. “I have a family, I am a man!” vs. “Life insurance? A will? You mean I am going to die at some point?”

6. “My kid is going to dominate at sports!” vs. “How much for (pick a sport/activity/lesson)? My kid isn’t even that good!”

7. “I am going to work to support my family, I am a man!” vs. Daycare bill. (Note: My children attend a very good daycare and I am not above a giving a plug — for a discount (unlikely)).

8. “Look at this house! I have all of this play area for my child.” vs. “Now how in the hell do I fix that?”

8a. “Look at this house! I have all of this play area for my child.” vs. The wife :“Whelp, we are pregnant with number 2, and we need a bigger house.”

9. “Look at this paycheck! I have made so much money!” vs. “Look at this paystub! This can’t be all of the money!”

I think I’ve just depressed myself.

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