Father of the Year Moment #204: “Oh, hi, honey…”

When mommy is away, daddy is in charge.

When daddy us in charge, daddy makes non-Newtonian fluid to impress his daughters.

When daddy makes non-Newtonian fluid, there is a mess.

When there is a mess, daddy cleans it up.

When daddy cleans it up, daddy isn’t thorough enough.

When daddy isn’t that thorough, mommy finds out.

When mommy finds out, the kids sell daddy out.

Don’t leave daddy with the kids.

Father of the Year Moment #482: A Father With Many Layers:

At the Father/Daughter Dance this weekend, I taught my youngest daughter:

The Cupid Shuffle,

The Words to “Brown Eye Girl”,

The “Cotton Eye Joe” Dance, and

How to two step to a country song.

She was impressed,

then sickened,

then indifferent,

then mortified (she tried to run as far away from the dance floor as possible).

Oh, little girl. We are both going to give each other a run for our money!

 

Father of the year moment #91:

Accomplishments vs. Realities of being a man (so far):

1. “I am 18, I am a man.” vs. receiving a selective service card and knowing what it actually means.

2. “I have my own apartment, I am a man!” vs. “Why the hell is the food bill so high? I just bought condiments!”

3. “I married this woman, I am a man!” vs. The wife: “No one gives a damn about your past accomplishments.” “Your decorating skills suck.” “You smell.” “Oh that looks nice — in the crawl space.” Etc.

4. “Look at my first born. It is only the best for her (him)!” vs. “24 newborn diapers = $25.00 — 10 size-4 diapers = $25.00. How does that work?

5. “I have a family, I am a man!” vs. “Life insurance? A will? You mean I am going to die at some point?”

6. “My kid is going to dominate at sports!” vs. “How much for (pick a sport/activity/lesson)? My kid isn’t even that good!”

7. “I am going to work to support my family, I am a man!” vs. Daycare bill. (Note: My children attend a very good daycare and I am not above a giving a plug — for a discount (unlikely)).

8. “Look at this house! I have all of this play area for my child.” vs. “Now how in the hell do I fix that?”

8a. “Look at this house! I have all of this play area for my child.” vs. The wife :“Whelp, we are pregnant with number 2, and we need a bigger house.”

9. “Look at this paycheck! I have made so much money!” vs. “Look at this paystub! This can’t be all of the money!”

I think I’ve just depressed myself.

Father of the Year Moment #126: 2 hands, 4 kids

How I got through the day with my sanity intact:

Step one: pick up neighborhood kids. It does not matter which kids; it may be random. Pick up as many that can legally fit in your car, or van, or SUV. Shit, contemplate renting a bus.

Step two: throw your infant in the back with random kids so you can drive around while they go sledding/skating/hockey playing in nearest park. You will get to know the neighborhood extremely well; may be a little too well. Say statements to yourself like, what in the Sam Hell were they thinking painting that house that color?

Step three: Drive around in circles so that your infant may sleep. Do you have to pee? Oh well, that’s called sacrifice. Am I wasting gas? A better question is, is my kid sleeping? Yes! We call that success.

Step four: Let your wife run errands and go shopping with just one kid; let her pick which kid. She will think it is Christmas all over again! You will redeem yourself for the shitty jewelry you picked out in past Christmases. Yes Heather, I know you did not like it.

Setting Family Traditions

My wife, Heather, is all about traditions (she can remember events that happened in her younger life according to what tradition that event centered around). Of course she would want to do the same for her children. Enter:

The Family Favorite Things Supper

Now, she will be the first to admit that she totally stole the idea from one of her college buddies. But, boy did she take off with it.

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So, what is it?

During the holiday season, every single member of our family is allowed to choose their favorite dish that was prepared at some point during the year. Heather prepares the dish and places the finished product on the dinner table – family style. Before totally devouring our own choice meal (why wouldn’t we), we must first fill our plates with a small sampling of each dish.

2015 cuisine:

Dish 1: Spaghetti & Meatballs

Dish 2: Mac & Cheese

Dish 3: Chocolate Revel Bars

Dish 4: Chicken, Cranberry & Rice Hotdish

Dish 5: Wine

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Last year’s cuisine consisted of:

Dish 1: Chicken, Rice & Cranberry Casserole

Dish 2: Milk (for baby)

Dish 3: Wine (Kid-friendly for the little ones)

Dish 4: Scalloped Potatoes

Dish 5: Pumpkin Bars

Dish 6: Spaghetti and Meatballs

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And what about 2017?

Dish 1: Turkey Pepperoni Pizza Bubbles

Dish 2: Chocolate Revel Bars

Dish 3: Wine (Starting to see a trend here?)

Dish 4: Tator-tot Hotdish

Dish 5: Korean BBQ Beef over Rice

Dish 6: Crackers (the baby)

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Um, yeah… Can you imagine?

Needless to say, it is a hit with the family!

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