Father of the Year Moment #99: I got 99 problems…

“Dad. What is a good number in Basketball?”

“23”

“No. Seriously?”

“23.”

“How about 2?”

“Yup, that’s fine.”

“Well, I picked 99!”

“Wait. Wha?!”

Are you shittin’ me?! 99?! What basketball coach lets a kid pick 99?! What is she — starting at left end now?!

Just imagine:

“Hey, who’s your daughter?”

“Number 99, The one who’s fouling the shit out of everyone.”

He did this on purpose. 😡

“The Foghorn” or “Inside voice, please”

Why in the hell is my second-born so damn loud?!

I mean, seriously. I am standing right next to the girl, and she is talking at me like we are in a cheering soccer stadium! She has absolutely no inside voice.

“Hey, Foghorn! You need to whisper!”

“Okay!”

Then she proceeds to talk to me in a normal voice – believing that she is whispering.

Sweet Baby Jesus – my baby can’t even whisper!

I put the baby to sleep:

“HEY DAD! DID YOU SEE THAT SQUIRELL RUNNING ACROSS THE STREET!”

The family is eating dinner:

“MAN! THESE ROLLS SURE ARE GOOD!”

Driving down the street:

“WOW! THAT IS ONE BIG SNOW HILL!”

I don’t want to hurt this girl’s feelings, but Good Gravy, there just isn’t enough earplugs to go around.

Father of the Year Moment #482: A Father With Many Layers:

At the Father/Daughter Dance this weekend, I taught my youngest daughter:

The Cupid Shuffle,

The Words to “Brown Eye Girl”,

The “Cotton Eye Joe” Dance, and

How to two step to a country song.

She was impressed,

then sickened,

then indifferent,

then mortified (she tried to run as far away from the dance floor as possible).

Oh, little girl. We are both going to give each other a run for our money!

 

Dramatic Prose

From Heather:

Afro Daughter #2 has misplaced her blanket.

I offered several suggestions and then started to ignore her rant in the name of “natural consequences” and “take care of your own crap.” My silence was not well received.

AD2: WHAT IF I TOLD YOU YOUR MOM DIED AND YOU COULDN’T EVEN GO TO THE FUNERAL!?!? THAT’S BASICALLY WHAT IT’S LIKE!

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