Father of the Year Moment #399 – Re-discovery:

On my road trip to and from Iowa with My Oldest, I found out:

She is a fierce competitor, but does not have as much self-confidence as she puts out.

She runs like the wind, but has the running form of Popeye.

She does whatever is in her power to impress me and is upset with herself when I am not happy (even if it is not about her).

She is very funny, but she sucks at telling jokes.

She is kind.

She has a non-chalant attitude, but cares about other’s opinions.

She screams for independence but wants me right by her side.

She is very book smart, yet very gullible.

She loses everything. Usually, it is right in front of her.

She is very tall for her age and has huge feet, which is why people are surprised when they discover her age.

With all of my deadlines for work and school, I had barely noticed how she is becoming her own person. This is happening way too quickly!

Father of the Year Moment #493: Call the Question: The First Born, after picking her up from basketball camp…

“Dad, a friend wants me to go to the lake this weekend and I want to go.”

“Well, you do realize that you have State Track this weekend, right?”

Silence.

“Yeah. Not going.”

“What?! You qualified!”

“Yup. And I am not going.”

Silence.

“Why do you think I will agree to this?”

“I have done every activity you wanted (true), I have done well in sports and school (also true), and you said that I got to choose what I do this summer (shit) — I want to go to the lake!”

Okay, that last statement sounded like Heather when she stubbornly decides something, meaning I don’t really have a choice — kinda scary.

I knew this day was coming. I just didn’t know she would use her mother’s tone to make her point. Pray for me.

Father of the Year Moment #584: Pop Quiz.

Name an appropriate time to yell, “Are you F#$@ing kidding me!?”

a) At a Super Bowl party after your favorite team drops a pass in the end zone.

b) Somebody rear-ends you coming out of your parking space at Walmart.

c) Missing the Powerball Jackpot by one digit.

d)Your child does a #2 30-seconds after a change.

e)At an elementary 3-on-3 tournament where most of the participants are under the age of 10.

Apparently, for one parent at the Local 3-on-3 tournament, the answer today was “E”. 🏀🤬🕊️🦏

#Keepitclassy #WTF #cantbethefirsttime #yourecool #hatersgonnahate

The Sunshine Award

I have been nominated for The Sunshine Blogger Award by The Modern Dad. What is that exactly, I am not sure, but, because of its creativity, I think it would be cool to pass this story (created by The Modern Dad) along.

“The Sunshine Blogger Award was created in the dark days of the internet. Before Google or Bing, there was Lycos, Ask Jeeves, Dogpile, Altavista, Excite, and others. They would direct you to dancing hamsters, blinking text, and video game cheat codes. All were built on GeoCities, Angelfire, and Tripod.

All were terrible.

However, none were as bad as AOL. In that walled garden, creepy dudes asked A/S/L, bored teens waited for topless photos of Claudia Schiffer to download over 28.8 kbps modems, and Dragon’s Gate burned millions of minutes of metered access. The only light residents could see was reflected from the surface the billions AOL Free Trial CDs they were forced to mine.

Everyone was resigned to their fate. That is, until the day a single person stood up and screamed, “I’m mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!

To break through those walls, to see the blessed light of the Digital Economy and Dow 36,000, they created a way to recognize greatness. The name of the original recipients have been lost to history, but their selfless sacrifice to the god of Web Twopoint-Oh allows us to see the promised land and shatter the stranglehold of the Peacock and the All-Seeing-Eye on our brains.”

Part of my responsibilty to to answer 11 questions that The Modern Dad posed. Giddy up!

1. What have your kids done to embarrass you this week?

My first born was good at soccer when she was 6. By good, I mean that she would kick the ball away from the scrum and outrun everybody to the goal (no skills). One day, one the way to a game, she said, “Dad, I think I am going to score 6 goals today.”

She did.

I must have forgotten to teach her about sportsmanship because she scores the sixth goal, turns around, and in front of dozens of parents holds up the number six as if she is the best thing since sliced bread. Here’s proof:

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Wha…stop it…put your hands down!

2. Did you embarrass them back? If not, why?

I live to embarrass my kids, so yes, but not to the degree that I want – yet.

3. Who’s the reason you got a call from school about something your kid said: You or your partner?

My life is an open book (insert Instagram plug here: UffdaBlack), so most people who follow me know that the phone calls that come home are usually because of something I did or said in the past.

My second born is a very old soul. She is 7 and is really personable. So personable that she often gets to hang out with women who are 30+ years old.

“Oh she is such a delight to have around!”

Meanwhile, she’s telling them all kinds of stories. Even in school.

2015-08-01 19.19.50-1.jpg
Cute, huh?! That is how she gets ya!

4. What about parenting is still a problem for you? Having kids is not an acceptable answer.

My major problem is with them growing up so fast. I am the dad that has a picture of everyone, every event, and everytime. So much so that I have to pay for a Dropbox. Yes, I do enjoy life in reality, but I think it would be so cool for my kids to look back and know that their parents were there.

The negative to that is, when you look back 5 to 10 years ago, you soon learn that everybody was right and your kids grow fast. My babies are not babies anymore and that is extremely hard to accept.

Well, that, and the fact that every time I say to one of them, “You’re not doing it right, hold my beer!” I end up in surgery.

2015-08-26 09.05.07.jpg
They look nothing like this anymore.

5. What advice did your own father or father-figure give that was useful?

I was not only fortunate enough to have my own father in my life, but I had many other male figures (coaches, friends’ dads) who were instrumental to who I am today. I think I was on the tail-end of the “I don’t care if you are not my kid, you do what I say and stay out of trouble” “takes a village” era.

One piece of advice came from my high school basketball coach. He was a very caring man who could be a straight-up asshole on the court. If you were doing something wrong, expect to hear about it (along with everyone else in the gymnasium). He would say, “I am hard on you guys because I love you. Sometimes, the truth is just hard to hear; and sometimes it hurts. But I will always tell you the truth and anyone who would do that truly cares for you”

I don’t know why that resonated with me, but it is something that I try to do in my everyday life, especially when parenting.

Yup, I am an asshole parent.

6. What was completely useless?

I have no clue what information was/is useless. I think I will leave this question unanswered until 2035, when my last child is out of my house and attending college.

7. What personality trait of yours do you not look forward to seeing in your kids?

My attitude. Most people will tell you that I can get animated, but, for the most part, I am an even keeled guy. That took years for me to master. I have a bit of a temper. When angry, it becomes Hulk-like. I have seen it pop up in my children. Couple that with the adolescent mind and whoa! Look out!

8. What craft/artwork have your kids done that you were impressed by? Anything that made you suggest engineering?

I once watched my oldest some build a whole village out of a Melissa & Doug train set. It was back when he was totally infatuated with Thomas & Friends. I bought him a whole set (maybe two) for him (really me). I thought it was going to be like pulling teeth. Nope. He was totally into it. Next thing I know, darn-near recreated the island of Sodor.

The Little Engineer.

9. What was the last toy you stepped on, and where did you bury it?

That is a tough one. It has to be this bear (pictured). It is not like it hurts or anything. I just seem to always step on it after my son goes to bed. Worse yet, it is always on! I wish that I could bury it, but I cannot because it was a favorite with all of my children and they will know if it turns up missing.

Stay tuned…

It is damn cute unless you step on it at 2 a.m.

10. What was the most recent request from your partner or kids that you agreed to then immediately regretted?

I feel as though my wife is way better suited to answer that questions for herself.

Two years ago, I needed to have the front landscaping done – and we are talking about a complete overhaul. I wanted to price it out and get it over with as I was in the middle of taking my comprehensive exams. My ever so cheap wife saw the estimate and started rubbing on my bicep…

“I am sure a big man such as yourself can take care of a  job like this for way cheaper – can’t you?”

Next thing I know, I am the middle of my landscaping with a scoop shovel, steel-toe boots and sweats on in 95+ degree heat (yes, sweats. I hate being bit by mosquitos and any repellant I applied would soon be sweated off).

 

11. Why did you agree to answer any of these questions?

It made me feel like I was an interesting person. The question is, why did you actually read my answers?

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